We are amazing creatures us Humans. When we experience trauma in our lives, our brains create ways to cope.
Amazingly, brilliant ways to cope.
And these coping skills can appear instantaneously, without our conscious awareness, as if by Magic.
When I was 16-years-old I suffered a trauma. Only recently did I remembered how, when I got into the hallway, I realized I felt safe.
I hadn’t remembered that hallway. Yet it was the place where I made my choices, instantaneously, that would affect me for most of my life.
In that moment, I made an unconscious decision to protect myself. To keep myself safe.
And holy wow… did I ever choose powerful methods.
I’ve been working on unraveling this trauma for years. Decades actually. It has held me back in relationships, marriages, raising children, working in my chosen field of design, and owning and growing my business.
A few days ago I was speaking with my coach. She mentioned how if we create patterns to protect ourselves from trauma, we can, as quickly and easily, uncreate the patterns.
I took this on as a challenge for myself. Can I uncreate patterns to help heal this trauma?
I began by making a list of the traits I created for my safety net.
— staying invisible
— not wearing makeup
— wear big flowing clothes to hide my body
— not speaking up when something bothered me
— ALWAYS pleasing people
— saying a knee-jerk yes even when I didn’t want to do something
— having too many things to-do on my plate
— always taking care of everyone else before me
— not valuing myself
— not charging enough money for the work I do
— giving away my brilliance for free
— helping everyone else, not helping myself
— double booking my calendar because I didn’t want to say no to anyone
— feeling unworthy of anyone’s love, especially not loving myself
All of these things protected me. Powerful things that were decided in an instant. It makes me cry to look over this list and remember that was me.
And, if I created this safety net for myself…. I CAN UNcreate it!
I can take the traumatic experience apart and put it back together in ways that empowers ME!
So… I did for myself what I do for clients. I took myself back to who I was before the trauma. Who was that 16-year-old person on May 10th?
I was innocent, open-hearted, safe, visible, strong, loving, tender, creative, and capable.
That man took my power away that day. I didn’t have a say or a voice. I didn’t know how to say no. He took something sacred that day. I didn’t have a choice in how that was going to look or feel. It wasn’t romantic or special. I didn’t know that man at all.
And all because I knocked on his door asking for $3.25 for the papers I’d delivered. Talk about messing with my money story too!
I wrote it all out…
Feelings of hurt and sadness filled my heart. My heart feels broken and sad for my 16-year-old. She didn’t get to have an experience of real tenderness and love for many, many years. Sex had been clandestine — fast and rough. It was never about love.
And suddenly it all shifted.
I take my power back now.
I’m able to find the images. In this space of knowing what I want to re-create for myself… how I want to feel.
I choose openness, truth and love.
I choose romance and tenderness and kindness.
I choose to be paid for my brilliance and my talent.
I choose to be visible!
I choose my voice!